You are going to lean there, burning a hole in me with your little eyes, waving your little hand like you want to be served and then not know what you want? Yes, I am going to skip you, and no I am not going to feel bad about it. I mean, I’ll be right back, but you better know what you want next time. Most places there is a menu, but here there isn’t. But like, “what wine do you have?” “What cocktails do you have?” The door hardly opens. The bar has never been treated. The google description is verbatim, no frills taproom. Does this, in any way, suggest a wine list or a cocktail menu? Grow up or go somewhere else. I know I sound sarcastic, but I’d absolutely love it either way.
Words
by
Lou
Sassle
Photography
by
Kyle
de
Vre
I swear I’m a nice guy, but remember, no frills. If it’s three deep at the bar, don’t order a martini or a margarita or any cocktail that starts with an “m” or any letter of the alphabet for that matter. I’d happily make you one, but I’m dealing with a new asshole every 60 seconds. This has never been the time nor place. Never order a long island iced tea or a rum and coke, unless you want to be carded again. It’s not you, it’s me. Now say you order a Cuba Libre with Diplomatico; that’s a different story. Then, I might jerk you off while you drink it. At the very least, I’d be more inclined to talk to you. You might tip better simply because you know damn well that Diplomatico is a higher price, and you know damn well that the tip standard in New York City is 20%.
Yes, I work for tips, but I am not here to serve you. I mean, I am, but not the way it sounds in your head. I pay my rent with money, just like you and not compliments, so please don’t mention how much you like my t-shirt or tattoos. You want to be friends? It was so nice meeting you that one night at 1:30 in the morning when you were hammered. You aren’t going to remember who I am 15 seconds after you hop in your Uber and try not to throw up all the way home. This shit is mutual. You have one job every time you walk in to the bar:
RESPECT
THE
STAFF.
Consider the bartender by knowing what you want and not acting like a total tit. You will likely receive the same consideration in return. You get more perks the more money you pay, kind of like a Kickstarter. You tip well? You might get recognized faster the next time you order. You tip well all the time, you might even get a buyback, depending on the bars policy on buybacks. You tip me a million dollars, you can be best man at my wedding.
NEVER
EXPECT
ANYTHING.
Do you expect your friends to give you free shit when look at ‘em like that? We are not your friends (yet) and we may never get there. Why would you audibly say that? HAPPY BIRTHDAY! No, you are not getting anything for free. Are you going to show up to the bar on my birthday and give me free shit? Are you going to tell every other random person that you see today that it’s your birthday? Yes, I am trying to sound like an asshole, but this is all coming from love. This is all coming from deep down where I know that you know what you want and that you know how to treat people. Don’t just be yourself. That person, the majority of the time, is a selfish piece of shit that only thinks about you.
Be better than you.
Be bigger than you.
Be bigger and better than me too.
Words
by
Lou
Sassle
Photography
by
Kyle
de
Vre
You are going to lean there, burning a hole in me with your little eyes, waving your little hand like you want to be served and then not know what you want? Yes, I am going to skip you, and no I am not going to feel bad about it. I mean, I’ll be right back, but you better know what you want next time. Most places there is a menu, but here there isn’t. But like, “what wine do you have?” “What cocktails do you have?” The door hardly opens. The bar has never been treated. The google description is verbatim, no frills taproom. Does this, in any way, suggest a wine list or a cocktail menu? Grow up or go somewhere else. I know I sound sarcastic, but I’d absolutely love it either way.
JUST KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.
I swear I’m a nice guy, but remember, no frills. If it’s three deep at the bar, don’t order a martini or a margarita or any cocktail that starts with an “m” or any letter of the alphabet for that matter. I’d happily make you one, but I’m dealing with a new asshole every 60 seconds. This has never been the time nor place. Never order a long island iced tea or a rum and coke, unless you want to be carded again. It’s not you, it’s me. Now say you order a Cuba Libre with Diplomatico; that’s a different story. Then, I might jerk you off while you drink it. At the very least, I’d be more inclined to talk to you. You might tip better simply because you know damn well that Diplomatico is a higher price, and you know damn well that the tip standard in New York City is 20%.
Yes, I work for tips, but I am not here to serve you. I mean, I am, but not the way it sounds in your head. I pay my rent with money, just like you and not compliments, so please don’t mention how much you like my t-shirt or tattoos. You want to be friends? It was so nice meeting you that one night at 1:30 in the morning when you were hammered. You aren’t going to remember who I am 15 seconds after you hop in your Uber and try not to throw up all the way home. This shit is mutual. You have one job every time you walk in to the bar:
RESPECT
THE
STAFF.
Consider the bartender by knowing what you want and not acting like a total tit. You will likely receive the same consideration in return. You get more perks the more money you pay, kind of like a Kickstarter. You tip well? You might get recognized faster the next time you order. You tip well all the time, you might even get a buyback, depending on the bars policy on buybacks. You tip me a million dollars, you can be best man at my wedding.
NEVER
EXPECT
ANYTHING.
Do you expect your friends to give you free shit when look at ‘em like that? We are not your friends (yet) and we may never get there. Why would you audibly say that? HAPPY BIRTHDAY! No, you are not getting anything for free. Are you going to show up to the bar on my birthday and give me free shit? Are you going to tell every other random person that you see today that it’s your birthday? Yes, I am trying to sound like an asshole, but this is all coming from love. This is all coming from deep down where I know that you know what you want and that you know how to treat people. Don’t just be yourself. That person, the majority of the time, is a selfish piece of shit that only thinks about you.
Be better than you.
Be bigger than you.
Be bigger and better than me too.
